As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. sarolabelle :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. Definitely! Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! And this is his responsibility too. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. This is actually not difficult. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! Talk about making a little go a very long way. We all died laughing. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. Most of them are women. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. No. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. lets_be_honest July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. We are this little team of 2. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. He would watch Full House or something with us. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. , temperance That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. . At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. And of course. She gets too invested in her daughters life. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. , so i guess it cuts both ways. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Yes. Grow up, already. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. I got a very different vibe from this. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! 1. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Game of Thrones? Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? lets_be_honest I was in bed, asleep. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. I have to just try harder.. July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . Find your shared interests and go from there? Obsessed with dolls? Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. And not just to me and your husband. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. I cant believe you didnt address that. Also hi BGM. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. I know from personal experience. Get out the frying pan. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. Hes embarrassing her. So, here is the thing. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. Are you on Tumblr? lets_be_honest Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? Ha! He thinks it's ridiculous. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. But for practical advice: board games. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. I agree weddings can be stupid . Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. Most certainly. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? There are many things I love about my husband. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. Really truly. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. No. honeybeenicki I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. The Inner Light Seriously. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! lets_be_honest Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. Is there crap out there? Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! bittergaymark Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings?
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