The main issue is money. I am not saying to feel sorry for him or to pity him. The importance of personality cannot be overstated. Distancing yourself. Your decisions are yours alone and we are in no way responsible for your actions. Thanks for taking the time responding to my question. But a year later, he is saying he doesn't think he and I will be able to move out from living with his mom anytime soon because he says we are not financially responsible and his mom needs help financially. Kody also isn't shown doing much with most of his children. My BF was going through a rough patch so I was there to help him financially. Yet he buys them tickets (not on regular basis) to visit family and their grand kids (the other sibling), enrolls them in various programs so they dont get bored, and thinks its very normal. You are financially secure and already own a house he could move into and have a property that his parents could move in to rent free. 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted. The important thing is to establish what is going to happen when you get married. It's not always enough simply to tell your husband that he is not providing for you emotionally or financially. Published Oct. 22, 2021. In order to comply with the internationally applicable GDPR - and other regulations, no IP address or user account originating in your geographic location will be accepted. It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me? I think that right now you need to not focus on "making this work" as far as you rolling over and seeing how you can get yourself to like this, but being honest and if you are miserable with it, be honest with yourself. And before I go any further, his mom is 53 - she is perfectly healthy and able to work (she goes out every night with her boyfriend). If your man is always pushing you to work, whether it be that hes encouraging you to take on extra hours at the office or get more clients, whilst he does nothing to contribute to your life together, its because he wants your income to increase so he can have access to more money. Pick a date you intend to move out and tell him how you feel, that you do not want to live with his mother and you cannot get serious or stay with him if he can't resolve this and be OK with that. His income is barely covers his outflow. It is my feeling, and I feel his mother is very manipulative. Dear Penny: Should I change my kids inheritance for my online girlfriend? Financial insecurity is also one of the top reasons women return to an abusive partner. IF this is an absolute dealbreaker I would just move on without commenting on his financial situation. AH! Are you the breadwinner in your relationship but feel like your spouse is taking advantage? Exactly, unfortunately he feels obligated to bail them out. Hes Reckless With Spending Your Money, 5. I use my personal money more on him than on myself. I once dated a guy and was so crazy about him. You can and should make proper decisions about your own future. Its essential that this be a defined amount. No thanks. He works long hours/double shifts, cannot attend most of our hangouts with friends, etc and still barely make it to the end of the month. took some money outta ma savings to help him buy a car. I earn more than him (55k),he's on 30k,and we want to buy a house, throw a wedding (we've only said our vows so far) and save for kids. Hes been open about how he lost his savings/money. His point is that he can do whatever he wants with his money after we've contributed to the shared pot. Son is 50k in the red, he needs to prioritize his finances before he has to declare bankruptcy in the future. If your man cant live on a budget, and its your money that hes going over budget with, - hes not keeping to a budget because he doesnt care about spending your money, its not his after all. No sense taking on someone else's bad financial decisions. Most of the time, the person thats using you, in this one case, your husband, will be sneaky and manipulative enough so that you dont realize that they are using you. They have absolutely no pension or savings and completely rely on him financially. He's moved in with me now, in an attempt to save more money. In about half (49%) of couples in which the husband and wife are both at least 25 years old . applestorangesJanuary 30, 2012 in Relationship Advice. They didnt reach their goal and he put all his eggs in one basket. My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. This issue has always been my concern since the day I learn about it 2-3 months in our dating. Age gaps in relationships have become more prevalent over the years, and society is becoming more accepting of such relationships. His priorities are caring for his parents instead of having a life of his own, you get to decided if you want to support him while he supports them. Seriously. AH!! Most men and women have savings accounts, simply because its always useful to have a pot of money set aside in case financial issues occur or theres an emergency at some point in life. The family dynamic is messed, but rather than cut his family off or create a fuss, it's much easier for him to pay the 350. But a year later, he is saying he doesn't think he and I will be able to move out from living with his mom anytime soon because he says we are not financially responsible and his mom needs help financially. My Husband Uses Me Financially (13 Alarming Signs). We had a talk a month ago and I told him how I feel about him supporting his parents this way. The post began with the 27-year-old outlining her relationship with her boyfriend. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . Our son struggled with some mental-health issues in high school. The whole, "I live in a basement, so my parents can have a great place and nice things," doesn't quite ring true to me. So you basically don't know him at all. You dont have a relationship with his parents, and youre not going to support them. Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and . Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. If your spouse has no financial independence from you, it could be because hes going through a tough time and needs financial support. I am wondering where you live that you pay $1100 a month for an apartment? We had sort of a chemistry going on. There is the level of wrong of just walking into a couple's bedroom as far as privacy and there is the issue of just handing mom money with no question whenever therefore enabling her. There are so many people out there who look like walking disasters financially but that is because they have not been able or called (!) Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. The hard part is our kids. He makes decent money, but he hasnt been able to save much because he is responsible for so much. Love is sweet but it's sweeter if the two parties support each other financially . They continue to ask for financial help. Letsgetstarted. It is different when one is in a relationship with a person, as compared to the family interaction, and that is where adaptation is needed. Not only is she asking another woman's husband for money, this is not the first time she's done so. 1. What happens when he is married and its THEIR money? The Life Of His Own/Relationship Equation:Im obviously not suggesting that every woman start loving the idea of a Costa Rican bachelor party blow-out (sorry, gentlemen, I know too much), but imagine never having time to unwind with your girls over a bottle of wine or take that trip to the ultimate spa retreat with your bestie? He is working long hours and it seems his parents dont really care and okay with it. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. When youre getting married, you will most likely commit to being financially tied, meaning you will probably have a joint bank account. Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM. I do want that extra money spent on me, or in our future, instead of giving it to "family" that don't really care about him. 2. 1. Still, Im a firm believer that all adults should know to make a decent omelette and steak, and they should want to wash the dishes within a few hours of the meal. He will borrow from you a LOT. Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. I have come to the same conclusion, but want to make sure I am not making a mistake or missing something that I have problem with his current lifestyle. I have a good income, own two properties (live in one and rented the other) and not a bad savings. This might mean that he always makes sure that his name isnt on the bill, or he accesses your account to pay the bills. We have grown up with fairy tales and romantic comedies that have told us that the ultimate goal in life is to find our true love and live happily ever after. Its not a equal dynamic, and I don't want to be part of it, but if I shun his family, I will make things alot harder and sadder for him. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. For example, its quite acceptable for one partner to pay for the bills, but the other pay for everyday expenses for example. ( I found out yesterday, and am really upset he lied to me) Sometimes they ask for more on top (another 100) and we give them that too. If you have any questions or requests, please contact us at 727-317-5800. As a couple, you both have to communicate honestly and deal with those emotional challenges that you have around your perception + the pragmatic side of it, which is, what other resources have they NOT looked into that they might qualify for? Now, heres the caveat, ladies: You should be able to offer all of these things, too. Because to me it makes zero sense they made good money but never did anything for retirement, that there's another sibling who doesn't contribute and that he's paying for two places when most people taking care of parents live with them. There are people who are 55-65 that start their own businesses - so the age is not an argument. Dr. Wendy Walsh's Answer: You've asked two separate questions here. But, if your spouse is trying to take advantage of you for your finances, they will be reckless with your money, spending it on anything and everything they want - this is a huge red flag. a bit will help you stay calm and level-headedhopefully he'll pick up on your cue and chill out too. He doesn't seem to admit that he needs to stop helping his mom and as long as he's putting his money out there for the taking, she is going to continue to take advantage as long as she can. because she said she just is too "nervous and anxious" to deal with problems, so tries to get my boyfriend to deal with all of her bull * * * * . It just happened that when one of us was single the other one was not. A woman in China was so outraged by the dishes she was served by her boyfriend's parents that she ended the relationship; A video of the dishes she posted on social media has been watched more . SO - here comes the second part of my dilemma: he has been giving ME a hard time about how much $ I have in my savings account. Don't expect him to be your financial supporter This isn't money going into booze and video games. Relationships are all about equality, even when it comes to . It's tough to make an objective, logical decision about how to help your brother or your parents. It's one thing if she lost her job but she works two jobs and blows it on dates and hobbies? By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. He makes the bed, you dust the tables. We have started talking moving in, marriage . If it feels there is a competing element involved, you may feel that regardless of what you do or say, the family will win, she says. He's not using our joint savings to pay his family, it's usually his own money, but sometimes he doesn't have it, so I help. I think it's a very real possibility that situation quickly becomes an expectation. First, talk to your boyfriend about it. I'm sure you are a wonderful person and he has real feelings for you, but you are very much the solution to many of his problems. He told me that without his support the parents will be homeless. However, the most obvious sign of financial abuse is if he only shows affection for you and feels attraction for you when youre paying for things, or stays in a marriage with you even though theres nothing left to stay for. When I try to talk to him about how living with his mom still is hendering US from starting our future together by footing the bills of her every month - he just says "how? Of course I want his parents to be happy. However, if your man is constantly taking money from you, or he tries to control you and make you pay for everything, theres a good chance that hes using you. When Its Workable:If your man is a bit shy or a bit of a loner, it doesnt mean you need to dump him. They are from another country that the exchange rate is horrible. His parents dont have any other source of income at least for next 3 years or so until they become citizens and qualify for some sort of social assistance. Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! dudelikewhoa A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. Tell him what his behavior towards you makes you feel like and why. HELP!!! Imagine a dude cutting his wrist every morning to feed his dog. In this video from OWN, Iyanla talks to a husband who adheres to the "family comes first" philosophy and prioritizes his relatives over his wife: If you are in the same situation where your spouse believes that family comes first and forgets his responsibility as a husband, the first step is to pray. He keeps saying he thinks we need to each have a certain amount saved ( a few grand) before we can get our own place. He thought about it for two weeks. I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you feel alone, used, unappreciated, or unloved, as mentioned above, its either time to sort the situation out with your partner and get back on track with your marriage, or its time to decide to call it quits and say go one way whilst your partner goes the other. You're a relative stranger. However, if your boyfriend isn't helping you out financially and you need assistance, there are things you can do to get what you need. But he can't afford to buy me wife things ( he promised to pay for a coat, that I then had to pay for myself as he didn't have the money).
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